Temper Tantrums

Volcanoes here on earth are known for their violent and theatrical displays of attention resulting in chaos, death, and destruction. However, it is through these very noxious and ill manned temper tantrums that our planet’s destiny has been shaped.

Gossiping, as we all know, can be bit tacky and unattractive – especially coming from such a polished and distinguished woman such as myself (laugh it up), but let’s be real here-any scandal, is a good scandal, especially when it involves eruptions…heyyyyyo! 

This golden nugget of dirty laundry starts off with two Roman Deities-

Jupiter (basically the God of everything)
& Juno (the God of Marriage). 

Jupiter, being the Alpha Male he was, had a stockpile of children from his previous romantic rendezvous prior to him and Juno becoming the ultimate power couple that the paparazzi couldn’t get enough of. There was Apollo, Venus, Hercules, and Bacchus (God of Agriculture and Wine), just to name a few. 

Juno and Jupiter didn’t have any children of their own which naturally, didn’t make Juno feel very ’one of a kind’. After a romantic dinner under the galaxies, maybe one too many martinis, and 9 months of excitement-their planned baby Vulcan had finally arrived. But to be completely honest, it’s surprising this little one was even given a name…

It was painfully determined upon arrival that Vulcan had a face for…radio. He was hit up from the chin up, hard to look at, all around just a GHASTLY little thing. So disgusted and embarrassed by her design, the heartless Juno promptly tossed Vulcan off Mount Olympus and simply looked, the other way. 

Dang girl, that’s some straight up GODDESS GANGSTER shit!

Poor baby Vulcan landed hard in the sea, after a day of what I’m imagining was sheer terror, with two broken legs from the brutal fall. He was immediately rescued by the local nymphs who brushed off the haters and set him up for success on the nearby beach. In his easy, breezy childhood days he strolled the calming shores collecting shells and coal, storing them in a nearby grotto. (When I was a kid I use to rummage around in dirt to collect fuzzy caterpillars so I could store them in my insect hotel where they would just go to die from, what I now understand as an adult, starvation. Same same.)

As the years passed, Vulcan developed into his manhood. He took that coal, made fire, and became this dope craftsman designing all sorts of visually stunning objects. He used these self made talents to fashion a pearl necklace (as any gentleman would) for this local nymph he had the hots for. Sometime later the nymph wore this dazzling piece to this fancy shin dig on Mount Olympus where, surprise surprise, it caught Juno’s eye – she just haaaaaad to have it. Juno quickly became privy to where it came from and demanded her son be returned to her at once! 

The nymph immediately came back home and told Vulcan alllll about his psycho mother and her outlandish behavior.

Vulcan :: “You have to be kidding me?! Tell me she was drunk.” 

Nymph :: “No, I know! Yeah, she was pretty wasted. Chris D’Elia girl drunk…she almost threw up like 3 times, and couldn’t find her friend Becky all night. Honestly, it was hard to watch.”

Now, here is where this gets juicy…

Instead of Vulcan having to look his cringe worthy mother in the face, he sent a classy little gift her way, an elaborately designed chair dripping with gold and beaming with dazzling jewels. Juno was SO ecstatic upon arrival of the gift from her son that she immediately sat down to enjoy the luxury of her new riches. The majestic chair Vulcan had loving crafted swiftly engulfed Juno and secured her down with strong unbreakable chains! #teamvulcan

After a FEW DAYS of being chained to the chair Jupiter steps in (typical man timing) and offers up Venus (The Goddess of Beauty) to Vulcan in order to free his wife. Vulcan, with his pimp limp from his childhood fall, scores way out of his league on this arrangement but, as you can imagine, Venus did NOT feel the same. Annoyed with this whole scenario, Venus ends up cheating on him with several suitors including Mars and even one of Vulcan’s brothers. It is said that each time he becomes privy to one of her unfaithful and scandalous affairs, a volcano violently erupts. 

I mean…

Tell me that’s not the best story you’ve heard all week? 

Listen, at the very least, we owe Vulcan a high five for taking one for the team. Trust me.

The Down Low

Volcanoes are not only formed when Venus is running around like a Jezebel past curfew by Vulcan here on Earth but her father, Jupiter, also got caught up in a deranged loop echoing the same theatrics. 

Jupiter’s exaggerated elliptical orbit with his innermost moon, Io, causes the moon to be the recipient of a gravitational pounding by stretching and compressing not only its surface, but more importantly, its shape. The friction to Io from these tidal forces creates massive heat that intensifies at the core causing the surface to buckle giving the lava a gateway to spew dozens of miles high. In fact, these eruptions are so massive they can be seen with a large telescope from here on earth. With Io being the most volcanic “world” in the solar system, with well over 400 active volcanoes, I imagine this viewing, could be quite spectacular.

Viewing an eruption on Io might make for a very cool date night (meow), but volcanoes here on earth don’t have such awe inspiring effect us humans…or should they?

“If there weren’t volcanoes here, we wouldn’t be either, in the cauldrons of volcanoes is the origin of life”.

ASTRONOMER, MICHELLE THALLER

Here on Earth we have 7 major tectonic plates which cover 95% of our surface (at the moment we don’t know of any other planet in the entire universe that functions this way). These tectonic plates glide over the surface at a slow, deliberate, and calculated pace. In moments of time these plates collide causing the crust to be pushed deeper into the mantle where it melts and and rises to the surface to form a volcano. Volcanoes here on earth are known for their violent and theatrical displays of attention resulting in chaos, death, and destruction. However, it is through these very noxious and ill manned temper tantrums that our planet’s destiny has been shaped. These 3 billion year old tectonic choirs have been bellowing out nitrogen from the earth’s core, creating a habitable atmosphere by transforming not only the air we breathe, but giving us the most coveted mineral nutrient for growing wine. 

Nitrogen – 14.007

Nitrogen probably has the greatest influence over a vine than any other mineral nutrient. Too little nitrogen? Photosynthesis gets depressed and the vines halt their growth. Too much nitrogen? Growth is too rapid, out of control, and possibly even asphyxiating. Sounds like another joyride we are all too familiar with…relationships.

I’m joking, water, sounds a lot like water.

Nitrogen is made up of two atoms and in order for us, or the vines to imbibe this coveted atmospheric nutrient, nitrogen atoms must be split apart into two separate atoms forming nitrate. This is where lighting (volcano’s wingman) comes in. There is enough energy in the electrical charge of a thunderstorm to rip the nitrogen atom into two. The resulting nitrate can then be furnished to our lovely planet via rain water. 

The vines, as they should, more commonly rely on those adorable little microbes in the soil to convert the organic matter into inorganic matter like NITRATE and ammonium to help them survive. But STILL, the soil needs to be living and have at least something going for it to begin with. Yo, grapes – if you’re looking for someone who is not hanging out the passengers side of his best friend’s ride then get yourself a real man…Volcanic soil does have slightly higher levels of nitrogen but more importantly, it has an abundance of organic matter, literally the modern day baller in the soil gang. 

Volcanic Soil

Earth contains a little under 6 billion acres of habitable land, volcanic soils cover over more than 306 million acres of that. There is great diversity with volcanic soil. Areas of study would be the rock type, how the rock was ejected and deposited (vent or lava based), climate of the vineyard where it lives, whether it is on a north or south facing slope…the sheer basics of this discussion between two people could last well over a 4 bottles of wine, if not more. Here is the deal, 90% of lava based soil is composed of basalt, so let’s drink to that little treasure of information instead of getting uppity today. Deal?

Let’s break this Basalt drama down right quick… 

“Basalt is an igneous volcanic rock that is common around the world. In fact, it is the most common rock in the Earth’s crust and most of the ocean floor is made of basalt. Derived from the Latin word “ignis,” or fire, igneous rocks are formed through the cooling and solidification of magma (the molten rock that lies below the Earth’s surface) or lava (which is magma that rises above the Earth’s surface, usually during a volcanic eruption).”

“Basalt Basics:The Volcanic Rock That Brings New Life To Soil.” cascademinerals.com, unknown, December 10, 2012, https://cascademinerals.com/soil-amendment/basalt-basics-the-volcanic-rock-that-brings-new-life-to-your-soil/.

Basalt is not only the most common volcanic rock here on earth but also is the most common rock on our moon, and most of the planets in our solar system! I mean, if it is so common then it should be everywhere, right? But when it comes to vineyards, there are only a few of very unique patches on this globe where volcano juice is grown to shine bright like a diamond!

Natural diamond nestled in an igneous rock, Kimberlite.

Volcanic Habitats for Wine

List compiled from the glorious book, Volcano Wines, by John Szabo MS.

Hungarian Juice

Listen, I totally get ordering a bottle of Willamette Valley juice is not only way easier say out loud in front of a group of people, or on a first date, but you almost feel this ‘comforting guarantee’ that the bottle is going to be good! I get it! You live here, you’ve drank it with friends before, someone has gifted you a bottle…but I will promise you this, you will NEVER be disappointed ordering a bottle of Hungarian juice! In fact, they are mind blowing!

Travis Smith and his wife, Rebecca Smith (who live here in OKC) own a wine company, Rooted Selections. They have the ultimate dream job of scouring the earth in search of unique hidden gems to bring back to the States. Their astronomical enthusiasm is contagious! Its not hard to quickly get into their vibe, as the winemakers they choose to work with offer up some amazing stories coupled with exceptional quality!

I had the opportunity to sit down with Travis (totally 6 feet apart and in a hazmat suit, duh) to ask a couple questions –

Karina :: I feel like you are going to be the first person I know to give a Ted Talk. Seriously. Can I get a “homie discount” on the ticket?

Travis :: If I do give a Ted Talk, do I have to wear the weird little headset microphone thing? I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that anytime soon, but if I do, you can for sure have a ticket!

Karina :: You’re the best! Alright, so before I pop a bottle of Hungarian juice, what type of tunes should I start playing?

Travis :: I should probably say something profound like Franz Liszt or Roma (Gypsy folk music) but honestly, hang out in Budapest and it’s a lot of 80’s Punk/Metal and 80’s Hip Hop; probably because that music was considered a form of rebellion in the Soviet Era. Goes surprisingly well with the high acid wines, I have to admit.

#FunFact – Levi’s and old school Adidas tennis shoes are still super popular there, I’ve seen my fair share of flannel there as well, it’s like my MECCA!

Karina :: Take. Me. There. Now! Listen, you have introduced me to some stellar Hungarian wines! THANK YOU!! But for someone who is just getting into being adventurous and trying out some new juice from Hungary, what can we tell them to expect?

Travis :: Thank you for that! I don’t think you can even start to talk about Hungarian wine without first mentioning acidity. There is this vibrancy to all the wines wether it’s a red, white, sweet, dry, low or high alcohol… It’s always been shocking to me that I can drink a well above 14% alcohol, red wine, that tastes as fresh as a rosé!

That acidity from the volcanic soil along with the layer of marine soil (Hungary used to be covered by the Pannonian Sea) gives the wines the ability to pack some significant richness without feeling flabby.

Couple that unique soil with some ancient grape varietals and you get a pretty interesting wine ride! Hungary is historically where East meets West. They call themselves the ‘Spice of Europe’ and the wines definitely can showcase some exotic Eastern spices with their deep layers of fruit. For me they are some of the most enjoyable and unique wines in Europe.

Karina :: That was super deep, you summed that up quite nice! So summer can’t come soon enough, I am about to lose it in my dang house. Can you give us a shout out for a kickass Hungarian summer white we should be crushin’ on while soaking up the rays this year? Where can we find it?

Travis :: Carpinus Hárslevelű

Pronounced – KAR-pen-NOOSH HARSH-lev-UH-loo – To say that correctly just run all that together like you’re drunk and it will sound close to right!

It’s unique to Tokaj in the fact that it is bottled as a single varietal and aged in stainless steel tanks. SUPER CRUSHABLE! You can find it both in Tulsa and OKC.

Tulsa – Ranch Acres Wine & Spirits and Parkhill’s Warehouse Liquors & Wines

Edmond – Coffee Creek Wine Shop and Edmond Wine Shop

OKC – Broadway Wine Merchants and George’s Liquor

Norman – Spirit Shop

Look for Carpinus Hárslevelű on the shelf or on a wine list!

Final Thoughts

I do hope that I have given you some colorful insight on the history, science, and love for volcano juice that wine lovers share. Remember, there is over 8,000 varietals here on this planet, don’t cheat yourself by never traveling or stepping outside your comfort zone when it comes to wine, you won’t regret it! #drinkmorehungarianwine

A sexy AF quote on the taste profile for volcano juice from John Szabo, MS

Below are some tunes for your listening pleasure –