When I get to have a legit wine conversation with someone at a tasting, I have the opportunity to guide them into a deeper analysis of the wine I’ve poured for them. I get see that light bulb go off in their head, it’s like winning the showcase on The Price Is Right!
When I started brainstorming about the concept for The Crush Lab my main goal was, and still is, to breakdown wine for you in the most colorful way possible, how nice of me, right? But what you don’t know, is that it’s all a ploy. It’s just step one in my master plan to take over the world and it goes a little something like this – the more you know > the more wine you drink – the more wine you drink > the fresher your dance moves get…
Your glorious and loaded dance moves will eventually get SO fresh that you become the next hottest back up dancer this world has ever seen, which, in turn, lands you a gig going on tour with Lady Gaga. You end up giving me a plug on national television, I become famous, and the next thing you know we are both hanging out with Cardi B. drinking Grand Cru Champagne at the Grammys after party. Listen, I can’t do this without you so let me get you up to speed on some social graces when it comes to tasting/drinking wine. I can’t have you saying dumb shit around me in front of Cardi B., Okurrrrrt?
I am about to lay down a little tough love, but don’t worry, we can hug it out at the Grammys.
Question your Questions –
You’ve made it to the wine tasting. You pay your way in, turn the corner, and walk into a room full of booze! Woot woot! If that doesn’t scream party, I don’t know what does! There is table after table of wine from all over the world with eager wine professionals ready to party it up and share their wine with you, where should you get this party started? I’ll tell you where you don’t start – walking up tables and asking, “Do you have anything here that is sweet?” If you’re not looking for a Trockenbeerenauslese you instantly lose street cred and your ability to schmooze anyone there for an extra pour of anything they have on their table 2 hours later. Total buzzkill.
It’s not that we don’t enjoy a little sip of something sweet (trust me, we love ourselves a nice sticky every now and then) but that is the last thing we are thinking about when we are picking out an exciting line up to show at the event. You have told us in your first 8 words that you are a Basic Betty/Bob and to be honest, nothing could be more discouraging.
We are there to “take you places” you’ve never been before though the world of wine, but you can’t slap us in the face first, it hurts. A better first question to ask is “I usually drink sweet wine but am looking to expand my horizons, is there a special bottle on your table that you think I should taste before I get too frisky and start hitting on random people?” I can’t speak for everyone else but that would instantly create a connection with me. You’re funny, charming, adventurous, and there to have a great time! I’m in. Let’s drink some wine!
Asking someone “Is anything here good?” while looking down at their line up with a snooty face is also a little frustrating. My personal inner dialogue is saying, “No, I just brought the shittiest wine I could find because I felt like making my life miserable for the next however long you have decided to be an oxygen thief this evening”, but what comes out is, “Well, I happen to think all this wine is fantastic but I don’t know what style you like to drink.” So again, what might work better is, “I usually drink big bold reds and if you have something like that here I would like to taste that first but I am also interested in learning about what else you brought for us today”. Boom. Let’s get drunk.
In short, remember that we have gone through major preparation to be there with wine that we personally picked out and being a little gentle with our feelers will go a long way! By being open to trying what WE think is delicious, you may very well find your new favorite! You can pick up a bottle of Moscato for under 15$ any day of the week, don’t cheat yourself in a room full of delicious wine.
And for the record – my favorite wine is the one that’s in my glass.
Your Knowledge vs Our Knowledge –
Before we move any further I should let you know that I reached out to other wine professionals from all over the world to get a glimpse into their life by asking them to share some of their wine tasting experiences. The gossip was epic. Overall, this was the most face palming topic.
Listen, we do this everyday, we spend our life learning regions, style profiles, the stories behind the wine, etc – so that we can share all of it with you! So when you tell us with your left hand up and your eyes closed that you don’t drink Chardonnay but in the same sentence tell us your favorite wines are from Chablis, and you refuse to let another word come out of our mouth, you instantly become the most annoying person in the room. PS – The region of Chablis produces the most exquisite and purest Chardonnay in the world, so there’s that Mr. I Know Everything.
I get it, wine is a luxury item. It has been since the dawn of “time”. In fact, around 1000 BC, wine was considered so special that is was only made for the ruling classes. Rod Phillips explains this concept in his book, A Short History Of Wine –
“Even where wine was consumed at all social levels, as in Ancient Greece, social distinctions were marked by the quality of wine and the contexts in which it was consumed. Distinctions of both sorts have persisted into the present. The poor very likely drank inferior wine on a daily basis, often what was latter known in France as piquette, a thin, low-alcohol and frequently bitter solution made by fermenting water added to the skins, stalks, and seeds that were left after the final pressing.”
Phillips, Rod. A Short History of Wine. Allen Lane, 2000.
(Bet you didn’t know that Chablis Dude)
It was just as much of a status thing then as it is now, (I, too, like going to the jeweler to put rocks all in my watch) so we get that you want to look all kinds of fancy with your wine facts, but you may learn a thing or two if you let us explain a thing or two. You’ll go home cooler than you were when you walked in, I promise!
When I get to have a legit wine conversation with someone at a tasting, I have the opportunity to guide them into a deeper analysis of the wine I’ve poured for them. I get see that light bulb go off in their head, it’s like winning the showcase on The Price Is Right! Confetti and everything. I truly look forward to seeing them again to ask them what wines they have fallen in love with since we last saw each other. Maybe they can teach me about a wine I have yet to try. True story.
Sniff Stories –
The Certified Sommelier exam is made up of three parts – service, theory, and blind tasting. You have to pass all three parts in order to earn the title. If you fail one part and exceed in the other two you have to retake the whole thing. The tasting portion of the exam is no joke, this is where most people tend to fail by second guessing themselves, and to be honest, you don’t have time for that shit during the exam so you better come in ready to rock.
You have two reds and two whites in front of you. You have between 4-5 minutes per wine to write down what the grape is, where it is from, roughly what vintage the wine is, and write a small sentence describing what dish would pair well with it. As if that isn’t enough you have a LOAD of steps in between. You have to describe the aroma, body, texture, acidity, tannins, fruits, non fruits, mouth feel, ripeness levels – so on and so on in order to prove your case. It’s intense.
My point is, is that when you are at a wine tasting you are not taking this exam – don’t worry about being right when you tell us what you’re smelling or tasting, in fact it’s one of my favorite things to hear you shout out! Real talk, I don’t even care if I am in mid sentence talking to someone else and you yell “Ping Pong Balls and Sassafras!” I will give you a high five. Be confident and preach!
The Spittoon –
Moments before you arrive to a tasting we are all opening our bottles, pouring ourselves a taste of each one, swooshing it around, and spitting it back out. We are checking to see if the bottle has been corked, if there are any flaws in the wine, and examining the overall structure. I use either the spit bucket on the table or a spare glass that I can put to the side. Be careful what you grab off a table. Case in point from a professional peer –
“I was conducting a wine tasting and as I opened the bottles, I tasted to check for imperfections and put the glass to the side to use throughout the 2 hour tasting. There was one particular gentleman that was giving me a hard time because he didn’t like any of the wines he had tried. He turned for a second to talk to his friend and his hand shifted from his glass to the one I had been spitting in, he picked it up thinking I had poured him something new to taste. He then sighed and said ‘Wow! Now there is a wine I can drink again!’”
EW, right? Let’s do our best not to be THAT guy.
It is perfectly normal for you to spit out a wine after tasting it (just please hold onto your jewelry and glasses while doing so, I will NOT reach in to the spit bucket to get whatever it is you dropped in there – ugh…you know I will, you’re just gonna have to give me a second to find some chopsticks and a moment to myself to namaste my gag reflexes out).
It is also acceptable to pour out the rest of the wine after you have tasted it into the spit bucket. You’ve got a lot of wine to taste through and in theory, once you get your lean on, it all starts to taste the same. If you walk away to another table and all you can think about was a wine you tasted at the last table you were at then sure, go back, ask for a little more, and indulge! Find that new favorite!
I leave you with some advice passed on through my peers, write it down if you need to, we MUST to get to the Grammys –
- Don’t let the name of the wine deter you from trying it. For example, if you ever see a bottle of Bull’s Blood on the table rest assured that it is not actual blood from a bull, it’s a blend of Hungarian grapes.
- For the love of wine please please PLEASE don’t wear heavy perfume to a tasting. You ruin everything. I’m looking at you patchouli lady.
- Please don’t use the contents of the dump bucket to rinse your wine glass. We can’t even believe that we have to bring this up – it’s disgusting.
- Poor Merlot! You guys hate on that grape harder than Cartman hates on his friends (especially Kenny). Check out this video that Gundlach Bundschu, California’s oldest, continuously, family owned winery made about Merlot, it might rekindle the love. – Awesome Merlot Video Here.
- As much as we love hearing about your latest trip to Napa or how you just got back from Italy where you drank wine with the Pope, if there is a line of people behind you it might not be the best time. It’s not that we don’t want to hear about your travels, it’s that everyone behind you has an empty glass and their glares are shredding our souls.
- We only have so much wine so yes, we are pouring small so that everyone has a chance to taste. Please don’t yell at us for not pouring you an entire glass. It’s mean.
- No, the winemaker did not put strawberry Jolly Ranchers in the wine, nor will they ever. Isn’t that cool though how we can get all that from a grape?
- No need to show us how NOT drunk you are by displaying your karate moves, you’re gonna knock over the spit bucket.
You SO got this! I have faith in you! Now get to shredding that dance floor!
Below are tunes you can drop for your listening pleasure –
